Death and Mourning

In Judaism, life is valued above almost all else. The Talmud notes that, since all humankind is descended from a single person, taking a life is like destroying an entire world while saving a life is like saving an entire world.

Death, however, is not viewed as a tragedy, even when it occurs early in life or through unfortunate circumstances. Death is seen as a natural process. Death, like life, has meaning and is part of a divine plan. In addition, Jews have a firm belief in an afterlife where those who have lived a worthy life will be rewarded.

Mourning practices in Judaism are extensive, but they are not an expression of fear or distaste for death. Jewish practices relating to death and mourning have two purposes: to show respect for the dead (kavod ha-met) and to comfort the living (nihum avelim), who will miss the deceased.

Meaning and Significance

History

La Muerti – Death and Remembrance

Jewish law requires that burial takes place as soon as possible.

The deceased were buried in shrouds sew by hand, kortar i kuzir la mortaja (this was continued in the Sephardi community of Zimbabwe). The preparation of the burial shrouds was approached with a sense of joy and community. The kortar mortaja — literally translated as “cutting the burial shroud” — was a celebration in which a person would be fitted for their burial garments. In Hebrew, this outfit is known as takhrikhim, derived from the word “to wrap,” and consists of a tunic, hood, pants, and belt. The primary reason for preparing the shrouds in advance, according to the Me’am Lo’ez (a commentary on Tanach in Ladino), is so that the garment is prepared by Jews — in other words, by one’s own community. Instead of life and death existing in stark opposition, the kortar mortaja rendered the emotional boundaries between beginning and end more fluid with its joyous tone.

Women prepared the deceased woman for burial while men prepared the bodies of the deceased male.

In Rhodes, only men walked in the funeral procession, women mourners did not go to the cemetery until at least a month after a funeral.

After the funeral, kriah, the ritual tearing of the deceased family’s garment, is enacted after the funeral by a member of the burial society. The mourning ceremony takes place at the home of the eldest child of the deceased.

During the shiva, the immediate family sits on cushions on the floor to start the seven days of mourning, asentarse en siete, a custom derived from the Bible, where it is described how, after Jacob died, Joseph mourned for seven days.

At the mourner’s home, the mirrors are kept covered during the first week of mourning. A bowl is filled with water and a thick layer of olive oil. A three-pronged cork, with a cotton wick, (called a candela), is floated on the oil. On returning home from the funeral the wick is lit and kept burning throughout the seven days of mourning on which there is a daily memorial service, Hashakuah, reciting the 49th Psalm. The first meal, consisting of whole, peeled hard-boiled eggs (this custom is kept specifically for mourning – at other times when hard-boiled eggs are eaten, they are cut in half) and bread, is eaten after the wine is sanctified. Those who make a condolence call comfort the family with the wish, Mas por dengunos non, “May you know no further sorrow”.

Relatives and friends prepare all the meals for the mourners and their guests during the entire week. When people plan to visit the home of the mourners at mealtimes, they send food in advance to avoid causing unnecessary trouble to those who are preparing the meals.

At the end of the 30 days of mourning, there are readings that take place, cortar el mes. This is a custom derived from the Bible at the time when Moses died “The children of Israel wept for thirty days”, after which the period of mourning ends. This day is said to have a kabbalistic significance, where the soul of the deceased ascends to a higher level on its way to its “celestial place of rest”. The wish Para vosotros ki bevesh muchos anios, “May you continue to live in good health” is expressed to the grieving family.

When male mourners attended synagogue services on the Sabbath, they were seated in a specially designated section in the front of the synagogue. Although public signs of mourning were normally forbidden on the Sabbath, this practice was permitted because it enabled other members of the congregation to sit near the mourners and console them. Toward the end of the service, congregants moved to the section where the mourners sat. At the conclusion of services, congregants accompanied the mourners to their homes and read Psalms for some time, before returning to their own homes.

Male mourners recite the kaddish, prayers of praise, for eleven months, and those in mourning refrain from attending joyous occasions during this period. The custom of placing the tombstone, meter la piedra, and the unveiling of the tombstone, takes place eleven months after the burial.

On the anniversary of the death of an immediate relative, the surviving relatives observed the meldado or reading. Family and friends were invited to attend, with at least one rabbi present. Men and women were seated in separate rooms of the house. After evening services were recited, the men read selections from the Mishnah in memory of the departed. The rabbi then gave a short speech germane to the occasion. Following this “reading” or study session, the hostess and other women passed around plates of food for the guests. These would include such things as raisins, hardboiled eggs, sweet rolls and Greek olives. Whiskey and raki were also served. The doors of the house were left open so that anyone could come in. Special packages of food were prepared for poor guests who happened to attend the meldado. These gatherings often lasted late into the night. At the commemoration of an anniversary of death, the family is greeted with, Bivos i sanos siempre, “To life and good health always.”

In Rhodes Jewish women visited the graves of their relatives on fixed days of the year. As they entered the cemetery, the women began to cry and give vent to their emotions. When they approached the tomb of a departed relative, their sighs would increase substantially. Women dropped to the ground, even threw themselves desperately onto the tombstone of a beloved relative. Some sang a melancholy chant while their weeping friends mourned over the graves. This crying continued until the women were too tired to go on.

Rebecca Amato Levy’s reflections on Rehmido or Pidyon as it was practiced in Rhodes

Rebecca Amato Levy’s reflections on Rituals and traditions for the dying and the dead as they were practised in Rhodes

The community in Rhodes had a central governing committee known as the Communidad. Within the Communidad there were sub-committees known as the B’nai B’rith, Ozer Dalim, Fundo Secreto, and Bikur Holim. The Bikur Holim was the committee responsible for the critically ill and the deceased and was composed of both men and women. Women were only accepted if they were past their menopause.

When a person was dying, two persons from the Bikur Holim would be at the bedside at all times. There would be a constant rotation, day and night. When a person died, the Bikur Holim took over the responsibility of arranging the funeral. If it was a woman who died, then the Rohesas (the women in charge), would do the bathing, cleaning and sewing of the shroud. If it was a man, the Rohesim (the men would do the bathing and cleaning, but the Rohesas would sew the shroud.

After the person had died, the body remained in the home. There were no mortuaries in Rhodes until the early 1930’s. If he died during the day, they tried to bury the body that same day. However, if it was late afternoon or evening, the body was covered with a sheet and a candle was placed at the head and the foot of the body. There was always someone attending the body … it was never left alone. The Rohesas were also responsible for thoroughly cleaning the area surrounding the deceased.

A pitcher of water was placed outside the front door. This pitcher was known as a librik and was made of earthenware. It was also customary to cover any mirrors in the house. Immediate family, relatives and neighbours came to visit; and as they went out the front door, they would wash their hands with the water from the librik. The librik remained there and was used until after the funeral procession returned to the home.

When it was time for the funeral procession, they would bring a pine box. It is interesting to note that there were only two pine boxes in Rhodes, one for adults and one for children. The body was placed in the coffin. Everyone was allowed to carry the coffin, and people took turns to do the honour. They had to walk from the home to the cemetery.

No flowers, no women, and no Cohanim were allowed in the procession. In fact, the Cohens were not allowed to see a dead body.

Leading the procession was one who would cry out ya pasa la mitzvah, meaning the funeral party was passing through. The reason for the announcement was to allow the women and children to return to their homes and close the doors until the procession passed. Those in the procession would be chanting Hebrew prayers all the way to the cemetery. While the procession was passing through, the women in the homes would take three steps forward and three steps backwards. The significance of doing this was the three steps forward indicated you were accompanying the deceased and the three steps backwards was that you must return to the norm … which is life!

Upon arriving at the cemetery, they would open the casket and one of the closest relatives would take a handful of dirt, open the eyes of the deceased and place the dirt in the eyes. There is a saying: el ojo de la personna, no se enche Keeson un poko di tiera. Meaning that while one is alive, he never feels he has enough, and yet in death el ojo se enche (the eye does in fact get filled)…. with just a handful of dirt.

The body was lowered into the grave. The Rabbi threw the first shovels full of dirt, and then everyone helped in shovelling the dirt over the body, following the biblical teaching dust returns unto dust. After the funeral, close family and relatives returned to the home for the continuation of the service. The mourners sat on the floor. This was called sitting shiva, or asentar en siete, for seven days.

The closest relatives (male) would light a candle. This candle was made by placing a glass of ¾ water and ¼ oil with a wick placed into a small metal frame and hooked on each side of the glass to keep it centred. Wicks were made by hand from pine needles, wrapped in cotton and rolled. I remember helping my grandmother roll the wicks. This candle was to remain lit for the entire year in the home of the deceased. A Bible and a vase of flowers were placed next to the candle. (This same type of candle was made and used for Friday nights.)

The Haham Rabbi placed a tablecloth in front of the mourners and prepared a plate for each of them, serving a whole egg, cheese, olives, bread and raisins. It was compulsory that they eat the entire egg, but they did not necessarily have to finish the other items on the plate. The same combination of food was prepared for the guests. Then raki was passed out to the visitors, and raisins followed for the beraha, blessing.

While the mourners were sitting shiva, they were not allowed to leave the home unless it was absolutely necessary. Women observed the mourning by wearing black for the entire year. Men did not shave or take haircuts for a month or longer. Services for arvith were held in the home for one year. If it was a young person, the tombstone was made at nine months; for an older person, eleven months. The customary expression was akavado los males, meaning all bad things should end. Rolls and raisins were served at the cemetery when a full year had passed from the death.

There was a custom in Rhodes whereby no gravestone was placed on any grave until one year had passed. The reasoning behind this was that the rain would settle the earth so that the stone would not sink or tilt. Needless to say, while any men were sitting shiva, their place of business was closed. If, however, he had a business partner, the partner could open and continue the business after the third day. A married daughter was allowed to complete her mourning in six months, as the custom was that now she was really directly responsible to her husband.

On the one-year anniversary of the deceased, the family took the candle to the synagogue. It was customary to distribute bread and money to the poor. This concluded the mourning period.

During the week of shiva, it was customary for neighbours to visit the family. Starting with the first day of the seven-day mourning period, a minyan (10 men) gathered in the home of the deceased for morning, afternoon and evening prayers.

One of the greatest mitzvahs or good deeds a Jew can perform is to bring the first meal to the mourner. The relatives ordinarily took turns providing meals during the entire time of the shiva. The customary expression after meals was el ke koma de las glorias de Gan Eden, meaning he should feast from the glory of Paradise. Visitors would not bring anything when visiting the home of the mourners. The visit was very short, because the homes were small, and everyone wanted to pay their respects.

The customary greeting was vosotros ke bivash munchos anyos, meaning you should have a long life. The reply would ordinarily be tal ke no ti vaygan, meaning we should not have to visit you for the same reason.

During Selihot, in the homes of the mourners, they would assemble for services at 2:00 in the morning until sunrise. The custom was to serve a breakfast of tschai, (a cinnamon tea and allitreya kon keso, which is spaghetti, with no sauce, but with grated cheese on top.

One night before Rosh Hashanah, again in the house of the mourners, services called vilada, meaning vigil, were held all night until sunrise. The vilada consisted of prayers of forgiveness and also included the reading of sacred texts.

Rebecca Amato Levy’s reflections on Rituals and traditions for the dying and the dead as they were practised in Rhodes

No flowers, no women, and no Cohanim were allowed in the procession. In fact, the Cohens were not allowed to see a dead body.

On the one-year anniversary of the deceased, the family took the candle to the synagogue. It was customary to distribute bread and money to the poor. This concluded the mourning period.

Family Story by Alyx Bernstein

From https://svara.org/lamenting-across-time/
Lamenting Across Time
by Alyx Bernstein
July 14, 2023

Growing up, my mum, whose grandparents hailed from the Jewish community on the island of Rhodes, would always cut any hard-boiled egg we ate in half. If we happened to grab one of our own, she would always remind us to cut it before we ate. Even my dad, who was not from a Rhodesli family, would never eat his eggs whole. It was just one of the many customs, superstitions, and traditions we inherited from our Rhodesli ancestors.

When, after a funeral, he was served a traditional mourner’s meal of a whole egg, he instinctively was about to cut it, but my mum stopped him. A shiva, it turned out, is the one time we are supposed to eat a whole egg, without cutting it. The whole egg is the meal of the mourner, and so only in mourning do we eat the egg whole, thereby marking the difference between regular life and mourning, between life and death.

One such custom was the los lloros, the women’s wails. Unlike the eggs, this custom did not survive the dispersal and destruction of the Rhodesli Jewish community. After a funeral, the women would step into the street and wail, crying out what were called in Ladino los lloros. However, by the 1930s, many in the rapidly modernizing (and Westernizing) community considered los lloros to be embarrassing and outdated, not seemly or refined, and so the custom died. One survivor of the community, Stella Levi, recalls her Tia Rachel attempting to step outside to do los lloros for her mother, only to be pulled inside by her brother.

Los lloros, as well as the more universal Jewish traditions of the funeral and the shiva, made mourning a communal experience. No matter how one might have felt about death or the dead, the ritual makes mourning a practice that is public and shared. As Rabbi Elliot Kukla wrote in his piece, The Very Jewish Holiness of Crying In Public, one of the reasons we as Jews share grief is to give grief a name: “Grief that is named is still incredibly painful, but it allows us to comfort each other and treasure lost loves… Judaism is a tradition founded by outcasts and exiles and it has ancient tools for naming the importance of human life: through lamenting out loud.”

When I first learned about los lloros from Stella’s memories of Rhodes, shared in a book called One Hundred Saturdays, I recalled a practice recorded in the Talmud of the mekonenot, women who were hired to wail at funerals. In Mishnah Ketubot 4:4, Rabbi Yehudah says, “Even the poor must provide two flutes and a mekonenet (מְקוֹנָנֶת)” for a funeral. Though we do not have many details about these women, it is likely that they were similar to los lloros, wailing and keening for the dead. Mekonenet comes from the same root (k-n-h) as kinah, a poetic lament for the dead. Though we may not still hire mekonenot for funerals, the kinah lives on and still performs the same role as las lloros and the mekonenot: making grief a shared experience. This practice often comes to life on Tisha b’Av, when many communities sit and recite kinot together, along with the reading of Eicha, also known as Lamentations in English and as the Book of Kinot by the Rabbis.

There are many traditional liturgies for the kinot of Tisha b’Av, drawing from centuries of Jewish poetry and tragedy. One Ashkenazi rite, as published by Koren (the edition I happen to own), contains older kinot by Elazar haKallir (c. 6-7th century), members of the Tosafot (11-14th century), Spanish poets such as Yehudah HaLevi and ibn Gabirol (11th-14th century), and contemporary rabbis. These kinot cover tragedies ancient and modern: the destruction of the First and Second Temple, the massacres of the First Crusade, and the Shoah. Sephardic liturgies often contain what are sometimes called kinot ketanot (small kinot) about the Expulsion of the Jews from Spain. Generally, kinot are not sung, but recited, until the final kinah, Eli Tziyon.

But even if they do share a root, sitting on the floor and reciting kinot in Hebrew seems a different expression of grief than the mekonenot or las lloros. The wailing women keened at funerals and shivas for people recently deceased, not tragedies from before living memory. The Crusades and the Expulsion occurred centuries ago; the Temple was destroyed two millennia ago. Among the tragedies of Tisha b’Av in the liturgy, only the Holocaust occurred in living memory. Reciting kinot, if one even can make the time for it, can feel like an inauthentic performance of grief rather than an authentic outpouring of it.

But what links kinot, the egg, las lloros, and the mekonenot is that in the performance of these rituals of mourning, grief becomes performative, as these practices change the reality of the world around us. In other words, these rituals do not just reflect our grief but produce it, make it real, and make it shared. Rather than a spontaneous expression, kinot can allow us to tap into a well of grief on command. When you sit down and give yourself over to the low drone of the kinot and the mournful tones of Eicha, the emotional experience of Tisha b’Av, the grief of millennia of tragedy, loss, death, and destruction, can become real. Entering into the mourning space of Tisha b’Av allows the wails, the grief, and the kinot of people who have been dead for thousands of years to be held, shared, and felt. That is the magic of ritual and of Tisha b’Av.

Of course, finding that magic isn’t easy. Fasting (if one is permitted to do so), sitting on the floor, and reciting kinot is one way to open the door to that magic, but sometimes it just means thinking about tonight’s meal while sitting on an uncomfortable floor and muttering words. Hearing women wail on the street likewise opens the door, but it does not always make the listener grieve. It is easy to turn our back, intentionally or not, on the tears of others. Beyond that, kinot is just one way to mark Tisha b’Av. There are many different rituals of grief, and the list of things to grieve grows longer and longer. While many communities have a set list of kinot from centuries ago, anyone can write a kinah that can be just as powerful. There is not one right way to do Tisha b’Av.

But when kinot, old and new, do their thing, our grief can transcend time and space to bring us into shared grief with our ancestors, our communities, and our world. Just as the mekonenot and las lloros bring the mourners’ grief to the whole community, so to kinot and the rituals of Tisha b’Av bring the griefs of the past to the present — bringing us together across time and space to hold and to care for one another.

From https://svara.org/lamenting-across-time/
Lamenting Across Time
by Alyx Bernstein
July 14, 2023

Order of the Processes

Care for the Dead

After a person dies, the eyes are closed, the body is laid on the floor and covered, and candles are lit next to the body. The body is never left alone until after burial, as a sign of respect. The people who sit with the dead body are called shomerim, from the root Shin-Mem-Resh, meaning “guards” or “keepers”.

Respect for the dead body is a matter of paramount importance. For example, the shomerim may not eat, drink, or perform a commandment in the presence of the dead. To do so would be considered mocking the dead, because the dead can no longer do these things.

Most communities have an organization to care for the dead, known as the chevra kaddisha (the holy society). These people are volunteers. Their work is considered extremely meritorious, because they are performing a service for someone who can never repay them.

Autopsies in general are discouraged as desecration of the body. They are permitted, however, where it may save a life or where local law requires it. When autopsies must be performed, they should be minimally intrusive.

The presence of a dead body is considered a source of ritual impurity. For this reason, a Kohein may not be in the presence of a corpse. People who have been in the presence of a body wash their hands before entering a home. This is to symbolically remove spiritual impurity, not physical uncleanness: it applies regardless of whether you have physically touched the body.

In preparation for the burial, the body is thoroughly cleaned and wrapped in a simple, plain linen shroud. The Sages decreed that both the dress of the body and the coffin should be simple, so that a poor person would not receive less honour in death than a rich person. The body is not embalmed, and no organs or fluids may be removed.

The body must not be cremated. It must be buried in the earth. Coffins are not required, but if they are used, they must have holes drilled in them so the body comes in contact with the earth.

The body is never displayed at funerals; open casket ceremonies are forbidden by Jewish law. According to Jewish law, exposing a body is considered disrespectful, because it allows not only friends, but also enemies to view the dead, mocking their helpless state.

Jewish law requires that a tombstone be prepared, so that the deceased will not be forgotten and the grave will not be desecrated. It is customary in some communities to keep the tombstone veiled, or to delay in putting it up, until the end of the 12-month mourning period. The idea underlying this custom is that the dead will not be forgotten when he is being mourned every day. In communities where this custom is observed, there is generally a formal unveiling ceremony when the tombstone is revealed.

Mourning Practices

Jewish mourning practices can be broken into several periods of decreasing intensity. These mourning periods allow the full expression of grief, while discouraging excesses of grief and allowing the mourner to gradually return to a normal life.

Onen

From the time of death to the burial, the mourner’s sole responsibility is caring for the deceased and preparing for the burial. This period is known as onen. During this time, the mourners are exempt from all positive commandments (“thou shalts”), because the preparations take first priority. This period usually lasts a day or two; Judaism requires prompt burial.

During this onen period, the family should be left alone and allowed the full expression of grief. Condolence calls or visits should not be made during this time.

The Funeral

A key portion of the service is the hesped (eulogy). The main objective of a hesped is to honour the deceased; however, mention may be made of the parents and family of the deceased. A hesped should bring people to feel heartbroken and to cry. In a hesped the good character and praises of the deceased should be mentioned. Our rabbis have taught that a person may exaggerate a little in the hesped (on the assumption that every Jew has acquired a lot more good than people know about). (from A time to weep)

No formal hesped (eulogy) is delivered during a funeral that occurs during the holidays, including Hanukkah, Purim, and the medianos (Intermediate Days) of Pesah and Sukkot. However, it is customary to say a Devar Torah (words of Torah) and to include some words about the deceased as well.

It is a Mitzvah to escort the deceased from the funeral to the burial. This is called levayat amet.

Care must be taken to ritually wash one’s hands when one finishes participating in the services of hesped (eulogy) and burying the deceased using the facilities provided.

A male Ko’en may attend the funeral and burial of any relative that he must mourn (father, mother, unmarried sister, brother, son, daughter, or wife). However, he may not come into the tahara house when the deceased is there, nor may he enter the burial portion of the cemetery. For this reason, and because of the keddusha (holiness) of a Ko’en, Ko’anim are buried along the perimeter of a cemetery.

The Burial

The burial takes place at a local cemetery unless the body is buried in another country (possibly Israel) or another town.

The mitzvah of burial is to bury someone in the ground. Attendees may participate in the act of burial by shovelling. When one person finishes shovelling, one should not hand the shovel directly to the next person. Instead one puts it down and lets the next person pick it up, symbolically showing that we do not want to hand sadness to anyone else. Although the Mitzvah of burial is accomplished when the grave is mostly filled, our custom is to completely cover the coffin.

Once the graveside services are over, with the recitation of the Kaddish by the mourners, all attendees (including the mourners) should wash their hands at the facilities provided when exiting the cemetery.

Directions to the home where the mourners will be spending their siete/shiva are shared.

Kaddish

Kaddish is commonly known as a mourner’s prayer, but in fact, variations on the Kaddish prayer are routinely recited at many other times, and the prayer itself has nothing to do with death or mourning. The prayer begins “May His great Name grow exalted and sanctified in the world that He created as He willed. May He give reign to His kingship in your lifetimes and in your days …” and continues in much that vein. The real mourner’s prayer is El Molai Rachamim, which is recited at grave sites and during funerals.

Why, then, is Kaddish recited by mourners?

After a great loss like the death of a parent, you might expect a person to lose faith in G-d, or to cry out against G-d’s injustice. Instead, Judaism requires a mourner to stand up every day, publicly and reaffirm faith in G-d despite this loss. To do so inures to the merit of the deceased in the eyes of G-d, because the deceased must have been a very good parent to raise a child who could express such faith in the face of personal loss. Kaddish can only be said if a minyan is available.

Why is Kaddish recited for only 11 months, when the mourning period is 12 months? According to Jewish tradition, the soul must spend some time purifying itself before it can enter heaven. The maximum time required for purification is 12 months for the evilest person. To recite Kaddish for 12 months would imply that the parent was the type who needed 12 months of purification. To avoid this implication, the Sages decreed that a son should recite Kaddish for only eleven months.

A person is permitted to recite Kaddish for other close relatives as well as parents, but only if his parents are dead.

Why, then, is Kaddish recited by mourners?

A person is permitted to recite Kaddish for other close relatives as well as parents, but only if his parents are dead.

After the Burial

Mourners tear their clothing to express their grief (kortar keriya). The tear is made over the heart if the deceased is a parent, or over the right side of the chest for other relatives. This is done at the mourner’s home immediately following burial. The mourner recites the blessing describing G-d as “the true Judge,” an acceptance of G-d’s taking of the life of a relative.

After the burial, a close relative, near neighbour or friend prepares the first meal for the mourners, the se’udat avraa (meal of condolence). This meal traditionally consists of bread (panezikos/rolls) wevos haminados (hard boiled eggs) and azetunas (olives). Raisin, oranges or any other round food (which symbolizes the life cycle) may also be served. Wine is offered to the mourners at the end of the meal as it is written in Proverbs 31:6 “give wine to the bitter-hearted”. If they choose to drink it, they should not drink too much. After this time, condolence calls are permitted.

Los Siete

(the seven days of mourning / shiva)

The next period of mourning is known as los siete (the seven, because it lasts seven days). Los siete is observed by parents, children, spouses and siblings of the deceased, preferably all together in the deceased’s home. Los siete begins on the day of burial and continues until the morning of the seventh day after burial. Mourners sit on low stools or the floor instead of chairs, do not wear leather shoes, do not shave or cut their hair, do not wear cosmetics, do not work, and do not do things for comfort or pleasure, such as bathe, have sex, put on fresh clothing, or study Torah (except Torah related to mourning and grief). Mirrors in the house are covered. Prayer services are held where the los siete is held, with friends, neighbours, and relatives making up the minyan (a quorum of ten post-barmitzvah). Led by the eldest, they light a seven day candle which should last the entire week. Visitors join the avel/im (mourner/s) in meals to eat with them. A visitor may join by eating while sitting on the floor as well.

When visiting a mourner, a guest should not try to express grief with standard, shallow platitudes. The guest should allow the mourner to initiate conversations. One should not divert the conversation from talking about the deceased; to do so would limit the mourner’s ability to fully express grief, which is the purpose of the mourning period. On the contrary, the caller should encourage conversation about the deceased.

When leaving the house of mourning, it is traditional for the guest to say: “min ashamayim tenuhamu” or “tenuhamu min ashamayim” (may you be comforted from heaven). An appropriate response from the mourner is: “Tizke VeTire BeNehamat Tsiyyon” (may you merit to see the comforting of Zion).

The Sabbath that occurs during los siete period counts toward the seven days of los siete, but is not observed as a day of mourning. If a festival occurs during the mourning period, the mourning is terminated, but if the burial occurs during a festival, the mourning is delayed until after the festival.

It is customary on the last day of the los siete to go to the cemetery and pray at the gravesite. Once the siete ends the mourners can take a bath or a shower immediately.

Korte de Mes

(thirty days / shloshim)

The next period of mourning is known as korte de mes (thirty, because it lasts until the 30th day after burial). Mourners are now able to resume wearing leather shoes, sitting in regular chairs and couches going back to work, resuming intimate relations, regular study of Torah, and greeting people, however, the mourners do not attend parties or celebrations, do not shave or cut their hair, and do not listen to music. This period of thirty days finishes on the morning of the thirtieth day after the burial. The following evening there is a meldado to commemorate the korte de mes.

Anyo

(year / avelut)

The final period of formal mourning, which is observed only for a parent, lasts for twelve months (anyo) after the burial. During that time, mourners avoid parties, celebrations, theatre and concerts. For eleven months of that period, starting at the time of burial, traditionally the son of the deceased recites the mourner’s Kaddish every day. Today, many daughters also recite the Kaddish. There are also medados scheduled for the 7^th, 9^th, and 11^th months of the year as well as the anyo (year).

The Tombstone

Jewish law requires that a tombstone be prepared, so that the deceased will not be forgotten and the grave will not be desecrated. Many will schedule the unveiling around the 11^th month meldado so that the two requirements can be taken care of at roughly the same time. The Hebrew first and last name of the deceased and of the deceased’s mother’s Hebrew name (e.g. Shemuel Sarfati ben Zimbul in Hebrew) and the Hebrew date of passing should be written on the monument. Beyond that, the monument can contain appropriate graphics, saying or text to memorialize the deceased in a most honourable way.

A very interesting article on tombstone art can be found at here.

After the avelut period is complete, the family of the deceased is not permitted to continue formal mourning; however, there are a few continuing acknowledgments of the deceased. Every year, on the anniversary of the death, a melado is made.

Restrictions

Funerals are never held on Shabbat or during the Festival of Shavuot or during the first and last days of the festivals of Pesach or Sukkot.

During the los siete period mourners sit on low stools or the floor instead of chairs, do not wear leather shoes, do not shave or cut their hair, do not wear cosmetics, do not work, and do not do things for comfort or pleasure, such as bathe, have sex, put on fresh clothing, or study Torah (except Torah related to mourning and grief).

During korte de mes the mourners do not attend parties or celebrations, do not shave or cut their hair, and do not listen to music.

During anyo mourners avoid parties, celebrations, theatre and concerts.

Additional Resources

A Time to Weep
A guide based on the customs of the Seattle Sephardic Community
Seattle Sephardic Brotherhood

A Comprehensive Guide to Jewish Mourning from Azinunt to Azkara
SephardicU